Costumes and Cardiac Arrest
by Batman's Bombshell
Summary: Halloween Hilarity! BABE...Cupcake Warning! Rated for language and mature enuendo. COMPLETE!
1. Chapters 1 through 5

The Following characters are owned by Janet Evanovich. This is only intended as an artistic exercise. I am in no way profiting financially from this story. Warning: Story includes Mature Language and Themes.

_**Costumes and Cardiac Arrest**_

**_Chapters 1-6_**

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_**Chapter 1: The Devil in Disguise**_

"_Ain't that a pip!"_Grandma Mazur sat perusing Party City's Halloween costume catalog. "_I'll bet I could get Willard to dress up as Tarzan for the Senior Center's costume party… that way I can get a sneaky peek at his package." _She glanced across the table at Stephanie, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"_Mother!"_ Ellen Plum sighed dramatically. _"Why me?! I'll bet Karen Povaletti's mother doesn't talk about her dates packages over dinner."_

Frank Plum sat muttering under his breath, "_Crazy old bat."_

"_Besides,"_Grandma Mazur plowed ahead undeterred, "_I'll bet I would look hot in leopard print; especially with one of them matching thongs. Willard would be climbing me like a tree in no time! Whada' ya think Big Boy?"_

Ranger sputtered choking on his food.

Stephanie slapped him on the back roughly; fighting to keep the wicked smile off of her face.

"_I'm sure you would look… lovely."_ Ranger recovered quickly; his expression mimicking the bitter beer face commercials.

"_Well aren't you the one! But don't be gettin' any ideas there hot stuff. My grandbaby here seems to have her eye on you already. Your package is as good as off limits."_

"_Thank God." _Ranger sighed quietly.

She turned her gaze to Stephanie. _"Is the present as good as the wrapping?"_

"_God help us!"_ Frank grumbled.

"_Why me?! Why me?!"_ Came from Ellen's retreating form. She grabbed her brandy from the pantry and chugged straight from the bottle.

"_You have no idea!"_ Grinned Stephanie conspiratorially.

"_Babe."_ Ranger smirked back at her; his face smug.

Frank picked up his plate of food and headed towards the family room and the solace of his T.V. The words _"lost my appetite," _and "_too much information,"_ trailing behind him.

"_Wahoo!"_Grandma Mazur tittered. _"I knew it! I knew it! I've told all the ladies down at the salon about the sexy bounty hunter with the great package! Wait'll they get a load of this!"_

"_Baaabe." _Ranger whined.

Stephanie couldn't contain the giggle that bubbled from her lips.

"_How 'bout you two drive me down to Party City. I better get a costume before they're down to slim pickins'._Grandma Mazur stood, collecting her purse and coat.

"_Stephanie!"_ Ranger hissed. _"I would rather walk across burning coals… WHILE chewing broken glass, before going shopping with your grandmother for a sexy Halloween costume!" _His eyes wore the expression of a man walking to the guillotine.

"_Well Batman,"_ Stephanie leaned in closely to him, her lips barely skimming his; her voice seductive and husky. _"I may need a male perspective on MY costume selection… and those costumes can be Sooo tricky to get out of… I guess I could ask Lester…" _

"_Babe!"_ He groaned. _"I swear you're the devil in disguise! This had better be one hell of a costume!"_

* * *

_**Chapter 2: The Flying Squirrel**_

"_Ta-Da!"_

There Grandma Mazur stood; arms spread wide, spinning in front of a three way mirror. The naughty nurse's outfit she wore bordering on public indecency. Layers of loose skin cascading down from her arms and stomach.

"_Babe!"_ Ranger groaned. "_She looks like a cross between a Shar Pei and a flying squirrel!"_ He stood with his back leaning against Stephanie's dressing room door, eyes closed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"_For all of the death and dismemberment I have witnessed, THIS… right here, right now, will haunt my __dreams forever."_ A full body shiver rolled over his body.

A teenage boy walked into the dressing room foyer. He froze in place, taking in the sight before him; mouth hanging open aghast, looking surprising similar to the Scream mask he clutched in his hands.

"_Speechless young man?"_Grandma Mazur cooed. "_Looks like I've still got it after all these years."_She arched her back slightly giving her boney rump a sharp slap.

The boy covered his eyes with his hands in horror; shaking his head violently, as if to expel the image from his mind. Blindly he stumbled in retreat from the room muttering under his breath "_That's the __scariest damn thing I've ever seen!"_

The door to Stephanie's dressing room swung open. She was dressed as an army pin up girl. Her camo tube dress hugging her curves like a second skin. The dress accentuating her bust and mile long legs. The hem barely reaching the tops of her thighs. The outfit was accessorized with black thigh high vinyl boots, silver dog tags, and a green beret.

Ranger's eyes strolled leisurely down her body; his eyes turning to liquid chocolate pools of lust. "_Babe,"_ Ranger's voice was deep with desire. "_You can't wear that in public. I'm driving the Turbo to the __party; there's no room in the trunk to hide more than one dead body."_

Stephanie blushed and pirouetted to give him the full effect.

"_Looking good Cupcake!"_Joe Morelli said leering from the entryway, scanning her body appreciatively, "_Though you'd look even better in a Navy uniform."_

Ranger threw Morelli a look that promised a slow and painful death.

"_What's your costume gonna be Manoso? Wait, don't tell me. Let me guess..."_ Joe paused dramatically, his hand cupping his chin. "_You're gonna be Rambo. I see you're already practicing for the part."_

"_Cute Morelli, but Halloween isn't for days. Why don't you take off that ugly mask? You're scaring the __kids."_ Ranger said imitating Joe's childish tone, pointedly returning his juvenile remark.

Joe's face turns red with embarrassment, his hands clenching into fists at his sides.

"_Oh look Joe! I've found the perfect costume for you_!" Stephanie said with mock enthusiasm, thrusting the rear end of a two person donkey suit into his hands. "_You always were an ass. Everyone will know __it's you without even seeing your face!"_

Joe opened and closed his mouth several times before storming towards the exit.

Ranger let out a bark of laughter.

"_Rat Bastard!'_Grandma Mazur yelled at his retreating form.

Stephanie's eyes were drawn to a rack in the corner of the store. She walked over, selecting the costume that drew her attention. She turned to look at Ranger speculatively.

Following her train of thought Ranger beat her to the punch."_No way, No how, Babe!"_ His voice held no room for compromise.

Stephanie crossed the room to him, giving him a sultry smile. "_Not even if I…."_ She leaned in to whisper in his ear.

Ranger stiffened and corked an eyebrow. He tore the costume from her hands and stalked towards the dressing rooms.

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**Chapter 3: I'm Your Huckleberry**

Ranger stared at his reflection in horror. "_How did I get into this mess_?" He thought tersely.

It seemed that half of the women in Trenton had decided to invade Party City in the last ten minutes.

Stephanie tapped impatiently on the dressing room door. _"Come on Ranger, you can't hide in there forever! There's a line a mile long waiting to use that room! Finish up that pep talk you're giving yourself and get out here!"_

Ranger hung his head in defeat and opened the door.

Time stood still.

"_Sweet Jesus!"_ An elderly woman exclaimed clutching her chest.

Ranger stood staring out into the crowd; a feral gleam in his eyes. Challenging anyone, man, woman or child to comment on his current state of dress.

Stephanie's eyes burned a path up Ranger's body. Starting at his black snakeskin boots, trailing up his leather chap clad thighs, his leather vest left open, exposing the smooth mocha latte skin of his chiseled abs and bulging pecs, a red bandana tied around his neck, the ensemble completed with a ten gallon black cowboy hat.

Leather had never looked so good.

Making a split second decision, Ranger decided to be a good sport and play the part. He flashed his 200 watt smile and tipped his hat to Stephanie "_Howdy_ _Ma'am,"_ he said giving her his best southern drawl.

THUD!

The woman standing next to Stephanie went down like a ton of bricks.

Panties within a ten mile radius spontaneously burst into flames. Women swooned, reduced to quivering puddles of drool.

"_YEEEEEE HAW!"_Grandma Mazur whooped, circling her arm in the air above her head with an invisible lasso. "_Ride 'em cowboy!"_

"_Move out my way people! Big girl like me needs some space to breathe. Ya'll standing around here like a bunch of cattle."_ Lula huffed elbowing her way through the dazed crowd.

"_White girl! You didn't tell me_…." Lula's voice caught in her throat at the sight of Ranger.

"_Mmmmm, girl! I think I'm havin' a hot flash! That man is smokin'! Ain't nobody have the right to look that fine!"_ Lula said fanning herself.

"_Oh for Pete's sake Ranger, take it off already!"_ Stephanie said gazing down at the unconscious woman at her feet.

The room let out a collective gasp.

THUD.. THUD…….THUD!

Stephanie groaned at her poor choice of words.

Ranger quickly retreated into the dressing room, a smile tugging at his lips.

Having selected their purchases they made their way to the checkout stand.

"_I'm really starting to rethink this whole costume party business."_ Ranger said tucking a stray curl behind Stephanie's ear.

"_Well, that's too bad,"_ Stephanie sighed. _"I guess I'll just have to go to the party with Morelli then."_

Ranger pulled her to him roughly. His lips tickling her ear as he whispered, "_Save a Jackass Babe, Ride a Cowboy."_

* * *

**Chapter 4: Eight Seconds**

Stephanie was putting the finishing touches on her hair and makeup. She twisted her hair into a messy bun, leaving a few loose curls streaming down her back. She secured her beret with bobby pins and added one last layer of mascara. Her eyes were done in a smokey gray and her lips were painted a deep sexy red. She spritzed herself with Dolce Vida and went to her bedroom to put on her costume.

She couldn't wait for the party tonight. The last week had been brutal and she was excited to have some fun and spend a little quality time with a certain Cuban Sex God.

Mayor Juniak had pulled out all of the stops for the party. Town hall had been professionally decorated and Pino's was catering the food and open bar. Stephanie's stomache growled loudly in anticipation.

She was thrilled that she had convinced "Corporate Ranger" to let all of Rangeman attend the party. She had told him that seeing the guys let their hair down might help improve public relations. Ranger reluctantly agreed.

She laughed as she sifted through the shopping bags to find her dress. Somehow she had left Party City with over a dozen different costumes. She had looked at Ranger curiously as he handed the cashier the heaping pile of costumes that she had tried on. When she began to protest, Ranger gave her his wolf grin and said that he "_had big plans in store for her." _The cashier glared at Stephanie jealously and she could have sworn she heard her mutter the words, "_Lucky Bitch!"_ under her breath.

She put on a lacy black strapless push up bra and matching thong. She slid into her dress and zipped up her black vinyl boots. She dug through the bags again looking for her dog tags. She realized that they must have fallen out of the bag on the way home. She was a little disappointed but brushed it off quickly.

She gave herself one last look in her full length mirror and smiled. Thank God for push up bras! Her _girls_ were on their best behavior tonight providing just the right amount of cleavage. She looked hot! Visions of a leather clad Ranger filled her mind. Sweat trickling down his perfectly sculpted chest. Slowly peeling the clothing from his body. "_The things I could do to that man. Maybe I should just chain him to my bed and have my wicked way with him…."_

A deep, husky voice interrupted her musings.

"_That could be arranged, though it might be more fun if I can use my hands."_

Stephanie spun around, stunned to see Ranger leaning against the frame of her bedroom door. He greeted her with a slow sexy smile. Real life leather clad Ranger was even hotter than fantasy Ranger! Her Hungarian hormones did a happy dance.

"_I said that out loud didn't I?"_ Stephanie blushed and wiped the back of her hand across her chin checking for drool.

"Babe." Ranger said sounding amused. "I have something for you." He closed the distance between them and turned Stephanie to face the mirror again. He pulled something from his pocket and brought his hands around her neck. She felt cold metal brush across her chest. Stephanie reached up and fingered the heavy chain around her neck sliding her fingers down to the pendant below. Looking down, she read the inscription and realized that they were Ranger's dog tags. Her eyes filled with tears. She was thrilled that he would share something so intimate with her. She felt as though he had handed her his heart on a string.

"_I've told you before, I like seeing my name on your chest."_ He said wrapping his arms around her waist and tucking her head below his chin.

"_I'm not good with words but I hope you see the symbolism in my gift."_ He voice was gentle and surprising vulnerable.

Stephanie turned in his arms and placed a kiss to his jaw. "_I love you," _she whispered.

He kissed her deeply, making her toes curl and her breathing hitch.

Her pulled back and smiled evilly. _"You have eight seconds to get out of that door before you're stripped naked and participating in a one man rodeo show."_

Stephanie squealed and ran for the door, Ranger following closely at her heels.

She stopped in the parking lot and looked at Ranger with a question in her eyes. _"I thought you said we were taking the Turbo?" _She eyed the Porsche Cayenne parked in its place.

"_And __**I**__ told __**you**__ not to wear that outfit in public."_ He said patting the back bumper. _"Much more cargo space._

* * *

**Chapter 5: Dumb and Dumber**

Stephanie stared at Ranger in disbelief. "H_ow do you do it_?" The parking God's had once again smiled upon Ranger. "_There has got to be three hundred cars in this lot and you find a front row spot."_ She shook her head. _"If I were driving we would have had to shuttle in from Newark!"_

Ranger tipped his head back and laughed! "_Only you Babe!"_

Stephanie opened her door and stood. She adjusted her short dress, tugging at the top to make sure she was decent. She was met with the sound of long, low whistle.

Turning towards the sound she saw Lester, Tank and Bobby making their way towards her. Lester was dressed in the tiniest scrap of fabric imaginable. He was wearing a silk leopard print loin cloth…. and a smile. The tribal band tattoo that surrounded his massive bicep fit perfectly with the theme of his costume. He was carrying a club in one hand, his hair loose, falling around his shoulders. His body was flawless.

Lester's steps faltered slightly as he took in Stephanie's costume. "_Holy shit_!" He breathed. _"Beautiful you're gonna cause a riot if you go in there like that_." His eyes raked up and down her body pausing at her breasts and thighs. A lecherous grin splitting his face "_What do you say we blow this joint and go play king of the jungle at my place!"_

"_Santos!"_ Ranger barked. The look on his face would have made lesser men wet themselves. "_Watch yourself… or no one will ever find your body."_

Stephanie stood eyeing Lester like he was the world's last Tastey cake. "_I wonder if Lester would let Ranger borrow that outfit… _she mused. _"Though I don't think he would want it back after I tear it from Ranger's body with my teeth…"_

"_Babe_!" Ranger growled his voice husky. Three sets of eyes turned to stare at her in shock.

"_I did it again didn't I_?" Stephanie said trying to hide her face in Ranger's shoulder. He put his arm around her laughing.

"_No can do Beautiful. If you want to play Jane tonight you're gonna have to leave with Uncle Lester_." He beat on his chest with his fists, bellowing out a loud "AAAAAH_HH aaa EEEE aaa AAAAHHHH!"_

"_You got a death wish Santos?"_ Tank said smacking him in the back of the head.

"_Idiot!"_ Bobby mumbled.

"_Gym. Tomorrow. 1700 Hours."_ Ranger bit out. "_Where you will learn the meaning behind the words 'silent as the grave.'_

"_Ahhh, Come on! I was just…"_ Lester's pleading was cut off by another sharp slap from Tank.

Stephanie giggled as her gaze shifted to Tank. He was covered from head to toe in green paint. He wore a shredded white t-shirt and torn gray sweat pants, his feet were left bare. Tank's mammoth proportions made him the perfect Incredible Hulk.

"_Big Guy you look amazing_!" Stephanie openly praised him. She could see him blush even under all of the paint.

"_What am I… chopped liver?" _Bobby whined.

Stephanie turned to study Bobby. He had on a skin tight white wife beater and low rise dark wash jeans. His dark hair parted into two spikes, one on each side of his head. On his hands he wore gloves with foot long silver metal claws.

"_Hugh Jackman is hot, but I think you've got him beat by a long shot Bobby!_ " Stephanie gushed. He made an impressive Wolverine.

"_You hear that Santos! I knew you never had a chance! Bomber 's got great taste in men_!" Bobby said puffing up his chest and smiling smugly.

"_Geez, it's like walking around with dumb and dumber_!" Tank sighed looking up at sky.

"_Brown!"_ Ranger snarled. "_How about you join me and your girlfriend over there,"_ he said nodding towards Lester, _"in the gym tomorrow for our little session. It appears you are also in need of some reminding." _

"_Shit_." Bobby grumbled.

Stephanie's stomach chose that moment to make its self known. "_Let's go feed the beast Babe."_ Ranger said tugging her by the hand towards the stairs.

"_Wait 'till you guys see Hal!" Lester chortled. "He lost a bet to Hector last week at a stake out! Poor guy's never gonna live this down!"_

TBC…


	2. Chapters 6 though 10

**Janet Evanovich own's the rights to the following characters. This story is intended as artistic exercise only. Warning: Adult Themes and Language. Cupcake Warning.**

**Costumes and Cardiac Arrest**

**Chapters 6 to 10**

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**Chapter 6: Rumble in the Burg**

Ranger chuckled and gently closed Stephanie's gaping mouth as they crossed the foyer into the building.

The Town Hall had been completely transformed. Thousands of candles lit the ballroom, casting eerie shadows across the room. Thick pillows of fog crept along the wooden floors, swirling around the legs of the couples dancing. Classical Gothic music filled the air. The walls were draped in rich plum colored velvet fabric. The tables covered in vintage lace, with bouquets of midnight calla lilies as the center pieces. It was stunning.

"_Come on Babe, let's eat."_ Ranger guided her towards the perfect table in the center of the room.

"_Oh my God! White Girl!"_ Lula squealed strutting through the crowd.

She was dressed in a skin tight red metallic dress. The neckline plunging in a deep V. Red horns perched on top of her head. Her gigantic breasts bouncing with every step. A sequined devil's tail swishing happily behind her.

Stephanie giggled at Tank's hypnotized expression. His head matching the movements of Lula's chest; eyes wide and glazed, looking like the world's biggest bobble-head doll.

As she reached the table Tank stood and gallantly pulled out a chair for her.

"_Mmmm hmm, how you doin' brown sugar_?" Lula said sliding into her seat with a not so subtle brush against Tank's chest.

Lula turned to the rest of the table, smiling in way of greeting. Her smile froze on her face, eyes widening, as she stared at something behind Stephanie's shoulder.

"_Uh Uhh! No, he didn't! Super Cop done brought Super Skank to the party_!" Lula's face soured.

Everyone at the table whipped around to follow Lula's gaze.

There, walking hand in hand was none other the Joe Morelli and Joyce Barnhardt.

Joe was dressed as Superman, cape and all. His unkempt hair gelled into a curl on his forehead.

Joyce was dressed as a horse jockey; wearing a tight vinyl corset top, black cropped riding pants and a black velvet riding hat. Her fiery red hair teased within an inch of its life. In her free hand she carried a horse riding whip.

"_It suits her_," Stephanie mused; "_Given her fetish for barnyard animals."_

Lester snorted, spitting his drink at Bobby.

"_Watch it Man!"_ Bobby said irritably.

Joyce spotted them at their table; a slow, evil smile twisting her face into an ugly scowl. She whispered into Joe's ear, chuckling as they approached.

"_How interesting Plum,"_ Joyce sneered. "_Again we meet at a dining room table, but this time I'm with your boyfriend instead of your husband… I wonder when Batman here will tire of you and come sniffing my way."_

Joe glared down at Joyce. He had brought her here just to get a rise out of Stephanie. The last thing that he wanted was for Joyce to be hitting on Ranger.

"_Not going to happen_." Ranger said looking at Joyce in disgust. He leaned over and gave Stephanie a passionate kiss.

"_Why don't you slither back to whatever hole you crawled out of!"_ Lula snarled. "_We don't want what you're carryin'. That shits awful contagious_!"

"_This… from an ex-hoe_!" Joyce laughed.

Lula stood rounding the table. "_Say it again…"_ She growled.

Joyce squared her shoulders and stepped into Lula's face. "_I said… you're… a… HOE!"_ Joyce spit the last word.

Lula shoved Joyce back, out of her face and bouncing into Joe. Attempting to get between them, Joe moved to step around Joyce but Tank stood and pinned Morelli into place with a glare. "_It's time for you to leave." _Tank's voice was low and deadly.

"_Fine with me,"_ Joyce huffed. "_I'm sure the bus boys will be here to throw out the trash soon anyways."_

Tank put a restraining hand on Lula's shoulder.

Joe pulled Joyce by the hand, pushing her in front of him and away from the table.

Just as they turned to leave, Joyce muttered a low "_Hoe!"_ under her breath.

All hell broke loose.

Lula plowed into Joe's retreating back, like a rhino in a stampede.

Joe and Joyce tumbled forward, limbs flailing wildly. Joyce slammed face first into the table ahead of them, skidding across it on her stomach. Joe followed directly behind her, his weight pushing her forward further; plates and glasses shattering as they hit the floor; sending half eaten food and drinks flying in all directions. Joe slid to a stop with his face smashed firmly into Joyce's ass.

And that's when it happened.

"_**PPFFFFT!"**_

The crowd gasped in horror, taking a step backwards.

Joe wrenched himself up onto all fours, eyes watering, gagging uncontrollably. _"Oh my God! It smells like a three week old bologna sandwich! What the hell did you eat_?!"

"_More like burnt hair and cat throw up_!" Lula said through the hand clamped over her nose and mouth; viciously elbowing anyone blocking her retreat into the crowd.

Joyce wiggled out from under Joe and slipped off of the table; her face burning a deep crimson. _"I don't know what you're talking about Joe!"_ She screamed, desperately trying to wipe the chunks of food from her clothes; brown sludge dripping from her hair.

"_What the hell do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about?"_ Joe wailed distraughtly. "_I'm surprised I still have eyebrows! Christ, it's clinging to my clothes! It's on me… GET IT OFF ME!" _

"_I. DID. NOT. FART!"_ Joyce thundered stomping her feet.

"_Well either you farted or you're carrying a dead rat in your pocket_!" Joe screamed scrubbing his hands over his face and chest.

Joyce turned and sprinted towards the exit.

"_Crop Duster!"_ Lester yelled after her.

Joe took his walk of shame to the opposite exit. Muttering incoherently under his breath."_Traumatized for life… never get the smell out…" _The door clicked shut behind him.

A roar of laughter and cheers filled the room.

"_Wahooooo!"_ Stephanie yelled triumphantly, punching her fist in the air and breaking into her happy dance.

Ranger stood smiling at Stephanie, his shoulders shaking with silent laughter.

"_This night couldn't get any better_!" She exclaimed throwing herself into Ranger's arms.

Ranger looked into her eyes flashing his wolf grin. "_Is that a challenge_?" He grabbed her hand and pulled her out onto the dance floor.

**_

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**Chapter 7: Saint Hal**

Stephanie was lost in the sensations surrounding her body; intoxicated by the feel, sight and smell of Ranger. Pressed together from thigh to chest, they swayed to the music. With each movement Stephanie could feel the flex and pull of the hard muscles sculpting Ranger's body; so powerful and strong, yet moving with such elegance and grace. The brim of his hat casting a shadow on his face, making him appear even more dark and mysterious than usual.

His lips brushed back and forth against her ear as he hummed along to the tune of the music. His chest vibrating with the effort, sending shivers coursing through her body. Her fingertips trailed up and down the satiny skin of his exposed chest, goose bumps rising in their wake. He ran the palm of his hand down her back to the base of her hips; slowly dipping her back to the floor, pausing to kiss the skin of her throat. Sweeping her back upright, Ranger brought her lips to his in a searing kiss.

They had been dancing for what seemed like hours. Stephanie wanted to stay in this moment forever, but her feet had other ideas. Her boots, though damn sexy, were a nightmare to dance in. As if sensing her discomfort, Ranger reluctantly pulled away and escorted her from the dance floor.

"_I'll meet you over at our table in a minute. I'm just going to grab a drink. Do you want anything?"_ Stephanie asked.

"_No thanks Babe."_ Ranger kissed her just below her ear before walking off towards their table.

Stephanie stood in line waiting impatiently for her drink. The two men in front of her, one dressed as a pirate and the other as a vampire, were whispering back and forth to each other and casting fleeting glances towards a dark corner of the room.

Stephanie nonchalantly leaned forward to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"_It's not natural! A sane man wouldn't wear that on his own free will! What a fruit cake!"_ The pirate hissed.

"_Seriously, It's creepy… standing over there all alone, Dressed like THAT. He looks like a serial killer; In fact I'm willing to bet he's got a dead body in his freezer as we speak!"_ The vampire said shuddering.

On their own accord Stephanie's eyes swiveled over to where the men were looking. There, trying unsuccessfully to hide behind a pillar was a mountain of bubble gum pink. Two long pink ears followed by a face hesitantly peeked out from behind the pillar, eyes locking with Stephanie's.

"_Hal?"_ Stephanie squeaked.

Hal's face quickly pulled back to hide behind the pillar again. He looked like a dinosaur trying to hide behind a house plant.

Stephanie quickly made her way over to Hal.

She couldn't seem to think of a single thing to say. He looked like a deranged Easter bunny. The costume he wore was obviously made for a much smaller man, the sleeves and legs ending at mid calf and forearm; the fuzzy pink fabric straining over Hal's monstrous body.

"_I lost a bet."_ Hal blurted out, shifting nervously from foot to foot.

"_Ya… I can see that."_ Stephanie managed to say.

"_I'm never going to live this down! First YOU stun me and now THIS…"_ Hal waved his hand in front of his body. _"I'm never going to get a date again! I'm going to have to quit my job and move away_." He groaned miserably covering his eyes with his hands.

He reminded Stephanie of a little boy who had lost his favorite toy. Her protective instincts kicked in full force. She had to think of a way to make him feel better. She still felt guilty about stunning him when he first began working at Rangeman. The perfect solution snaked its way into her mind, a smile spreading across her face.

"_Hal I'm going to fix your little problem, just play along and everything will work out beautifully." _

Hal looked bewildered as Stephanie turned on her heal and headed for the ladies room.

Stephanie opened the door to the restroom and smiled at her good fortune. Standing by the mirror, touching up her witch's mole was Jessica Whitman; the heart and soul of the burg grapevine.

"_Hey Jessica! It's been a long time. How are you!"_ Stephanie said cheerily resisting the urge to strangle the gossipmonger.

"_I'm great! Did you hear about Sandy Thompson? Caught her husband with his secretary last week! Can you believe it?! But that's not the best part… the secretary was also Sandy's cousin! But, enough about that… how are you? I see you're here with that sexy bounty hunter."_ Jessica gushed, immediately probing for information.

"_Oh, I'm fine."_ Stephanie sighed. _"Just a little shaken up I guess. I just heard the saddest story, but I'm really not supposed to tell…" _Stephanie managed to dangle the bait and avoid giving away anything about herself.

"_You have to tell me! I swear, I'll never tell a soul!"_ Jessica pleaded eyes wide like a shark tasting blood.

"_Well, if you promise not to tell…."_ Stephanie paused as Jessica nodded her head vigorously. _"Have you seen the man in the pink bunny suit?"_

"_Ya,"_ Jessica said scrunching up her nose. _"The guy looks like a real wacko; he probably tortures small animals for fun."_

"_Well that's the thing,"_ Stephanie said shaking her head back and forth sadly. _"You see, he has a terminally ill niece in the hospital… dying as we speak. Her last wish was to be a pink bunny for Halloween this year. She was too sick to leave the hospital and desperately wanted to attend the party here tonight. He wore that costume in honor of her."_ Stephanie sniveled and wiped a fake tear from her eye.

"_Oh my God!"_ Jessica breathed, holding a hand to her heart; her eyes misting over with tears. _"That's so sweet! He's a saint!"_

"_Yes, he truly is."_ Stephanie said with a small smile. _"Though he would be horrified if anyone knew. He's such a catch too… single, rich and word on the street is that he is an AMAZING lover!"_

Jessica's eyes glazed over. _"Well your secrets safe with me! It's already locked in the vault."_ She said tapping her head.

"_I knew I could trust you, Jessica! Thanks for letting me vent. Well, I guess I had better get back out there… enjoy your night_." Stephanie gave a finger wave and exited the bathroom, an evil smile spreading across her face.

Ranger looked up as Stephanie approached the table.

"_Looking a little crazy there Babe. Want to tell me what's going on?"_ Ranger asked eyeing her curiously.

"_Shhhh."_ Stephanie silenced him. _"Just sit back and enjoy the show."_

Stephanie knew that the story of Saint Hal would spread like wild fire. Within minutes women were swarming around him. Throwing themselves at his feet and doting on his every whim; tripping over each other to get closer to him. A blonde with planet sized breasts sat on his lap, hand feeding him bites of cake; while a tall brunette stood behind him rubbing his shoulders and back. Hal was blushing with a big dopey smile splitting his face. He locked eyes with Stephanie and winked. Stephanie smiled and nodded.

The only bunny Hal would be associated with in the future was that of Play Boy.

"_What the hell is going on here?"_ Lester fumed jealously. _"The guy's in a fucking bunny suit and women are crawling all over him." _

"_I don't know man… where did he get that costume anyway_?" Bobby wondered, looking at Hal in admiration.

Hal had become a legend.

**

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**Chapter 8: The Golden Years**

Stephanie sat enjoying her third piece of cake. She licked the orange and black frosting from her fingertips and sighed happily.

"_Damn Beautiful, I LOVE the little noises you're making right now, but I don't exactly have a lot to hide behind over here_." Lester shifted uncomfortably in his chair, his loin cloth closely resembling Mt. Saint Helen's.

"_Oh my God!"_ Stephanie squealed, covering her eyes with her hands.

"_Impressive ain't it?"_ Lester drawled smugly, crossing his arms behind his head and leaning back in his chair.

"_Holy shit Lester put that thing away before it eats somebody!"_ Bobby laughed.

Ranger growled deep in his chest. "_How does Antarctica sound Santos?"_

"_Hey_! Lester cried. "_It's not my fault your woman keeps eyeing the merchandise!"_

"_I Do Not!"_ Stephanie shrieked.

"_Keep telling yourself that Beautiful."_ Lester smirked.

"_Well maybe if you weren't dressed like a Thunder Down Under dancer that wouldn't be a problem_!" Stephanie retorted.

"_That's usually not my style, but for you…"_ Lester yelped as his chair fell backwards, crashing to the floor.

He popped back up and shot Ranger an accusing glare. Ranger returned his glare with a smirk of his own.

"_Mine."_ Ranger all but snarled.

"_Well Santos at least you're not the only one in a state tonight_!" Bobby said, nodding his head towards the dance floor in the direction of Lula and Tank. Their bodies were plastered together, Tank's teeth gnawing on his bottom lip, his bedroom eyes hooded with desire.

"_Looks like Lula's gonna get some tonight!"_ Stephanie giggled.

"_She's not the only one Babe_." Ranger whispered huskily, his teeth grazing her earlobe. Stephanie moaned as a wave of heat washed over her body.

Bobby and Lester stared at her with pained expressions.

"_You know Ranger, its times like this that I hate your ass_." Lester grumbled, shaking his head.

Ranger tipped his head back and laughed. "_It's good to be me."_

Stephanie spotted Eddie Gazarra making his way through the crowd towards her. She had been friends with Eddie since childhood and was excited to see him. She smiled and waved but when she noticed that he was in his usual Trenton P.D. uniform she groaned.

"_PLEASE tell me this is a social visit!"_ Stephanie pleaded

Eddie hesitated ,"_Not exactly."_ He replied, his lips twitching.

"_Oh God, what now_?" Stephanie said dropping her head into her hands.

"_There's been a….situation at the Senior Center. I thought that you might be able to help diffuse things. I just got the call and decided to stop by on my way."_ Eddie was fighting to keep a straight face and losing the battle.

"_We'll meet you there_." Ranger said standing and pulling Stephanie to her feet.

Lester and Bobby stood quickly making their way around the table.

"_We're not staying here and missing all the fun!"_ Bobby announced.

"_I can't wait to see this!"_ Lester said chuckling.

The drive to the Senior Center took only minutes. Apparently the Parking God's are also in control of street lights.

As they entered the building they could hear raised voices coming from the ballroom.

"_Put the gun down Mrs. Mazur!"_

Stephanie ran down the hall and burst through the doors into the ballroom. Ranger, Lester and Bobby followed closely behind her.

Stephanie gasped at the scene before her.

Grandma Mazur stood in her naughty nurse's outfit, holding her .45 to an elderly gentleman's head. He was dressed as a sailor and looked to be around 300 years old. Three police officers surrounded them with their guns drawn.

" _What's going on in here_?" Stephanie asked in bewilderment.

"_This Rat Bastard,"_ Grandma Mazur hollered, nudging the man in the temple with the barrel of her gun, "_stole Willard's teeth… a real nice pair too! Snatched 'em right off his dinner tray, the sneaky dog!"_

The man had his eyes closed tightly, cowering away from Grandma Mazur.

"_I didn't do it! I swear, I was framed_!"The man whimpered, his teeth clicking together as he spoke.

Stephanie sighed and approached the pair. "_What's your name_?" She asked the human fossil of a man.

"_The names Leonard."_ He replied without opening his eyes.

"_Well Leonard, DID you steal Willard's teeth_?" Stephanie asked, narrowing her eyes at him and planting her fists on her hips.

Leonard peeked at Stephanie and shook his head no. "Do I look like a thief to you?" He asked with a smile that would rival Mr. Ed.

"Liar!" Willard screamed.

"_Leonard_," Stephanie said sternly. "_If you lie to me I will have you banished from Bingo… for LIFE!"_

"_You wouldn't!"_ He gasped.

Stephanie sent him her best Burg glare.

"_Prison rules I see… All right then. I'll give them back if you swear I won't be cut off from Bingo_." Leonard hedged.

"_You have my word,"_ Stephanie nodded.

With a slurp Leonard removed the teeth and handed them back to Willard, who immediately popped them back into his own mouth.

Bobby gagged and Lester shivered.

Ranger spoke with the police officers briefly, shaking their hands before making his way over to Stephanie.

"_They've agreed not to press any charges as long as we confiscate the gun." _

Stephanie breathed a sigh of relief.

"_What the hell lady!"_ Bobby yelled.

Stephanie and Ranger turned to see Bobby and Lester surrounded by a sea of blue and gray globes of hair.

"_I ain't afraid of your gun sonny! You gonna shoot an old woman?"_ Snarled one angry little globe.

"_We want some entertainment and by golly you ain't leavin' until we get it!"_

There was a chorus of "_Damn Skippies!"_ and "_Darn Tootin's!"_

"_A little help here please_!" Lester pleaded to a nurse passing by.

She held up her hands and shook her head. "_I'd just give them what they want if I were you. Vicious little bastards, gnaw you off at the knees if you're not careful."_

"_I said strip!"_ Another little globe screamed.

Outnumbered and surrounded by an angry mob they had no choice but to comply.

A slow sexy beat filled the air. Lester didn't have anything to take off but instead danced seductively, shaking and grinding his hips and ass. Bobby looked horrorstruck, and peeled his clothes off mechanically, swaying back and forth to the music; both of them yelping from the occasional pinch.

Having sufficiently satisfied the crowd they were finally allowed safe passage. As the four of them walked into the parking lot Lester and Bobby's pockets jangled merrily. Lester sighed and turned to Bobby, "Remind me to never strip for senior citizens… the things they expect you to do for a quarter!"

**

* * *

**

_**Chapter 9: A Deal with The Devil**_

Stephanie requested that Ranger drive through the neighborhood on their way home. She loved to see all of the cute little kids dressed up in their Halloween costumes. The tip of her nose was pressed against the window as she pointed out the costumes that caught her eye. Ranger smiled indulgently, enjoying Stephanie's enthusiasm.

"_Ohhhh, look at that little Batman! How darling is…."_

"_**Splat…splat…Splat!!!"**_

Stephanie had to brace herself with her arms against the dashboard as the car screeched to a stop.

"_What the hell Ranger!"_ Stephanie gasped, startled.

Ranger was staring forward with his mouth hanging open in disbelief. _"Those little fuckers just egged my car!" _He thundered, wrenching his door open and jumping out of the car.

"_Oh God!"_ Stephanie thought as she scrambled out of her side of the car. "_He's going to kill them!"_

They were parked in front of a white colonial style house. The perimeter of the yard was bordered with a thick green hedge.

Ranger stalked towards the hedge, he leaned over and pulled two teenage boys out from their hiding place; one in each hand, their feet dangling above the ground. Ranger's fists clutched their t-shirts in a death grip.

"_Any last requests_?" Ranger snarled the look in his eyes murderous. "_You boys just met your worst nightmare."_

"_Holy shit_," the pimpled red haired boy in Ranger's right hand squeaked. "_He looks like the devil, we're going to die_!" He began thrashing wildly, his legs kicking in the air. The pudgy brown haired boy dangling from Rangers left hand was frozen stiff, eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights.

"_That's right,_ "Ranger growled. "_And I feed on the souls of little shits like you."_

"_P-pl-please Mister! It was just a joke... honest! We'll clean it off! Please don't kill me!"_ Carrot top sputtered.

"_Not good enough!"_ Ranger barked giving the boys a sharp shake.

"_We'll never do it again! We promise… Oh God, I'm too young to die! Please, somebo_dy help!" Pudgy had finally managed to find his voice.

"_Quiet you idiot!"_ Carrot top snapped. "_It can smell your fear… ,"_ he looked Ranger in the eye and said in an authorative voice, "_Get thou behind me Satan!"_

Ranger's lips twitched.

"_I'll make you a deal. You clean this shit off my car and promise to never, EVER do that again… and I will let you live; but the next time you pull a stunt like this it will cost you a lot more than a clean pair of shorts. Understand?"_ The boys nodded vehemently.

"_Good."_ Ranger said, releasing the boys; sending them falling on their asses. "_And you don't even want to know what will happen if you scratch the car." _The boys blanched and scrambled to their feet. On wobbly legs they made their way over to the garage, retrieving a bucket, soap and two sponges.

Ranger and Stephanie sat on the curb watching the boys gingerly wash the egg from the car. Ranger's arm was draped across Stephanie shoulders, her head resting against him.

"_You really wouldn't have killed them… right?"_ Stephanie asked, turning her head to peek up into Ranger's face.

"_No Babe,"_ Ranger laughed. "_I was once a punk kid just like them. It took a lot of tough love to get my head straightened out. Hopefully these two will learn faster than I did."_

"_So, Batman used to egg cars?"_ Stephanie asked smiling.

"_Yes, among other more inventive things, though I was never stupid enough to do it in front of my own home_." Ranger shook his head disapprovingly.

The Cayenne was clean once again. The boys approached hesitantly. "_We're all done sir, is anything else we can do for you?" _Carrot top was once again the spokesman of the two.

"_No."_ Ranger said, "_But you two better head inside and call it a night."_

They nodded their heads and scurried up the front porch and into the house.

"_Let's go Babe; I've got a surprise for you_." Ranger stood, offering a hand to Stephanie.

She looked at his hand and hesitated. _"I think I've had enough surprises for one night, thank you very much."_

Ranger reached down and scooped her up into his arms. "_True… but your gonna love this one Babe."_

**_

* * *

_**

_**Chapter 10: Giddy'Up!**_

Ranger and Stephanie drove to Haywood in silence. He held their twined hands on his thigh, drawing lazy circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. Their day had been an emotional rollercoaster ride. Stephanie stared at the profile of the man beside her. He was so beautiful. No matter what was happening in her life, his mere presence seemed to soothe her.

Arriving at Haywood, Ranger led Stephanie by the hand to the elevator. He pushed the button, backed her up against the wall and gave her a mind blowing kiss.

When the doors opened Stephanie was surprised to see that they had passed the seventh floor and were stepping out onto the roof. She looked at Ranger questioningly, but he gave her a small smile, and gently nudged her forward.

Her breath caught in her throat.

The roof top had been covered in strings of tiny shimmering orange twinkle lights. They peaked high above them in the center of the roof and draped down to the edges of the building. Soft music was playing in the background. Hundreds of white Gerber daisies were scattered along the floor. A round glass table was at the center of the roof with four giant jack-o-lanterns lining it. A single word was carved into each pumpkin. The words illuminated by the candles within. The words forming a question.. .

Will… You… Marry… Me…

Stephanie spun around to face Ranger, her hands pressed over her heart. Ranger knelt before her, a black velvet box in his hands; his eyes intense and filled with love. She couldn't remember how to breathe.

"_Stephanie, I have loved you since the day that we met and I will continue to love you every day for the rest of my life. I will cherish you and protect you. I will support you and comfort you. I don't want to spend another minute without you by my side. I want to be the one to help you fly. I love you with all that I am. So, I ask you Babe, Will you marry me?"_

"_Yes!" Stephanie whispered, tears streaming down her face. She had never loved another person so much in her entire life. _

_Ranger's smile was blinding; the depth of his love for her shown deeply in his glistening eyes. _

_Taking her hand in his he slid the ring onto her finger._

_They spent hours dancing together under the stars. Breathing each other in and etching this moment in their minds._

_Ranger nuzzled her neck as he spoke, "Trick or Treat."_

_Stephanie giggled, "Ranger, you're supposed to say that after you knock on my front door if you want any candy."_

_Ranger shook his head, a wicked gleam in his eyes. "I don't want any candy Babe, and the bedroom is much more convenient, besides… I like to eat my Plum's in bed!"_

_Stephanie gave him a sexy smile and replied, "Giddy-up cowboy"!_

_And they made their Halloween a very Happy one indeed… over and over again!_

_The End._


End file.
